John Hattaway

Posted By smokingpen on June 29, 2009

I think I often have great plans to do big things. I think some of those big things include my blog and making it more popular and more accessible. Point, I started at the earliest posts editing them so that the links all went somewhere, images were either updated or deleted, and they cross-referenced older posts. I worked on that for a few days, got about fifty or so posts in, realized I had something like 1000 to go through, and thought to myself, “Someday I will have enough money I can pay someone to do that.” Truth told, I still harbor that plan and I don’t think I will ever actually get around to doing anything with it.

Erin and I were speaking the other day, as we do every day, about stuff when she pointed out something I’d been thinking about for a couple of weeks. I have two things in my life that I am more likely than not to spend money one – heck, if I am having a bad time for long enough and sooner or later I am going to spend money on one or the other or both – the first are books and the second is software. Now, I am not a software person in the sense that I will buy games galore; however, I am a software person where I will purchase and use something for writing or organization or project management and see how it works and then draw up plans on how I might make changes and then wish or dream those beautiful dreams about how, when I have enough disposable income (or an investor) I will change the face of the internet and off-line computing with my ideas. Heck, not too long ago I came up with the next billion dollar idea that will (probably) never see the light of day from me because . . . well, my reasons are my own.

As for books, before Erin (b.E.), I think between 1/4 and 1/2 of my income went to the acquisition of books. I spent a lot of money at Borders and Amazon.com that it justified and probably (without spending more money) could inherently justify having Amazon Prime for some years. Fortunately, I still spend money at Amazon.com and, when time and our finances permit, I can spend some money at Borders as well. Most often, though, Borders comes in the form of gift cards and Amazon.com comes in the form of gift certificates and school money so that I can expand my collection of, and knowledge on, books about writing and etc. However, in the days of b.E. I spent a considerable amount of money that would lead one to believe I have a considerable number of books – and yes, I have some; but at the same time I also cull the books I buy, selling some online, taking others to used bookstores and selling them there, and still others I give away to people I think will like (and cherish) them more than me.

The outcome to all of this is another one of those grand plans: I would love to have a house with a room that is a couple or three stories tall, with a special observation area at the very top, with books from floor to ceiling and round cast iron stair cases and my desk in the very middle of the room. With windows that could darken at the touch of a button, a large flat screen television for movies or television, and a place where I can retreat to be alone or spend time with people who are invited into my private sanctuary (like Erin or CAMPER or close friends and some family), but more a place that is dedicated to books and my writing and ideas and dreams and adventure and imagination in a way that no other room or place can exist for me because those places really don’t exist.

One result in all of this is a notion of: SOMEDAY; and a notion of: WHAT IF? in both cases, I enjoy the fantasy, and in both cases I realize that it is just fantasy and that I get to continue to work and develop and hope that someday Erin and CAMPER and I will find ourselves in a slightly better position where, maybe – just maybe, our lives will allow us to explore some of the dreams I have for our future.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

Category: On Writing, experience, family, school, work | No Comments »
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Posted By smokingpen on June 28, 2009

As I’ve state before, I have this mental list of people that when I hear a news story about them I have to ask myself, “What, he (or she) is not dead?” I can give a quick list of a few people – though I won’t – that fall into that list. However, this week, this time, it’s not really about people who I think should’ve already died, but more the people who passed on in the public eye.

The other day I pointed out that I think the world is a better place without Michael Jackson in it. I also know people who will (and probably do, given a reading of my blog) disagree with me about that. To me, I am not concerned with the musical talent or entertainment talent Mr. Jackson possessed; but rather, I am concerned about the safety risk he was and is to young boys. Just because his money and influence have kept out of jail and away from a conviction does not mean he is innocent. Sadly, I think the victims who were silenced should begin to speak out now because of him.

Farrah Fawcett also died this week. I have no opinion in any direction as to her demise. Given that she was suffering from a rather embarrasing form of cancer (who wants anal cancer? I mean, come on, if you’re going to have cancer might as well pick one of the cool ones . . . not that any form of cancer is actually cool). The reality of having cancer is, more often than not – and regardless of the advances in medicine – that the person is going to die. Heck, the reality of life is that we are all going to die, for some death comes earlier than for others.

This morning the world was informed of Billy Mays’s death. He is the pitch man for Oxy Clean and other products. Like many people, I can’t really imagine turning on the television and not seeing his face, sooner or later, on a commercial while I am actually enjoying a television show. Sure, I am as wont as not to change the channel, quickly, when he opens his mouth and begins talking, but still, his is a name and a face I recognize. I am pretty certain that Michael Jackson and Billy Mays, both of whom were about the same age, didn’t start last week thinking that by the end of the week they would (individually) be dead. Neither do I believe that anyone thought that a rash of celebrity deaths would hit the news stands this week.

The truth of the matter is that even though I have this list in my head of people I think should be dead and aren’t, I guess as a member of the human race I also have the capacity to be surprised by the passing on of someone who should still be alive and for whatever reason isn’t anymore. I am probably just as shocked as everyone else at the people who died this week. I think one difference, at least for me, is that I am not looking at this as some cosmic scheme or reason to reconsider what I am doing in my life.

Instead, I move forward with the expectation that the majority of people in the world will remain alive, that those who died are quickly replaced by those who are born, and that when a death occurs that directly affects me I will properly and appropriately mourn the life of someone I cared about and who I will not be able to interact with again.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson, professed king of pop, died yesterday. I have one thing to say, “Thank goodness.”

I realize that a lot of people will consider me inconsiderate and rude. Especially since Jackson’s family is (now) mourning his death. To that I have this to say:

Michael Jackson was embroiled in a series of scandals and law suits that forever ruined his image and destroyed any legacy he had. Any greatness he achieved as a young man and performer are always going to be undershadowed by the fact that he was a pedophile, he did sleep with young men, he was a predator, and he had to leave the continental United States for a period of years to avoid the press and stories that accompany someone who is guilty and whose fame has kept them out of jail. Young men, children, are safer as a result of his demise. So, thank goodness.

I am sure millions of people will mourn his death as they mourn the deaths of Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, and Princess Diana. That is their right. As for me, Mr. Jackson goes down in history and in my books as someone who needed to be put in jail or taken off the streets and whose demise is deserved and only protects those he would’ve injured.

Thank goodness.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on June 24, 2009

I’ve found that some of the things I want to be doing compared to many of the things I need to be doing have kept me out of a state of equilibrium for some time. Months. I like the idea of writing blog entries and have noted that the number of hits I receive a month is directly proportional to the number of posts I publish. On top of which, my search rankings are lower when I don’t update as frequently. I would imagine, when I get to a state of popularity from publishing or some such that the direct outcome will be a lot of people intentionally searching for me and clicking through my website which will result in the ability to be lazier and still have traffic; however, at the moment, if I want traffic I have to do what is required to get that traffic.

Since I am not doing what is necessary I am writing about the why not.

In this case I find I have several things that sit, in some stage or another, on my metaphorical plate (I actually dislike the analogy). I have family, professional, educational, and obligations to self that all require a piece of my time. My family, and by that I am defining family as Erin and CAMPER, require individual attention and time. I cannot just assume that by spending time with CAMPER while Erin is in proximity that I have sufficiently spent time with her. As a result, I find myself making time for both my wife and child and making sure I spend time with them.

Along with family resposibilities I have work responsibilities. To some extent these overlap in that I am the provider and have to work to make money so that we can afford to pay bills and buy food. Previously to my current job I was working at Wal-Mart (formerly “this place“) on the graveyard shift. Because of that, I slept during the day, didn’t really care to be awake on the weekends though I chose to alter my sleeping habits to, again, spend time with my family. As a result of not being awake when Erin and CAMPER were, I looked for and found another position where I work during the day and can now sleep at night. This is better but at the same time I have to give away some of my day to a commute that equals about three hours of time. I am in a better position than I was with Wal-Mart, but still searching for a state of equilibrium.

Along with family and work I have responsibilities to my degree – specifically a Master’s of Fine Arts in Writing. This program requires me to spend quite a few hours a day writing and reading and revising and writing and revising and reading and etc. and etc. with the outcome. Granted, everything gets to be set aside in about twenty-five days for ten days where I will be nicely sequestered on an island at a Franciscan Retreat Center talking about writing. After the retreat and residency I will have to find time (that may not exist) to write and read and revise and make sure that my novel actually does get written and revised and made ready for publication.

Finally, I have responsibilities to myself. I think this is the least defined as I want to spend time with Erin and CAMPER and I want to go to school and I need to (and to some extent want to) go to work. Along with all of that I need to start taking care of my body so that my IBS doesn’t get worse. The doctor think Yoga and meditation will help and Erin is currently looking for a Yoga class on a Saturday that I can start attend and that we can afford.

The outcome to all of this is not that I don’t realize what is needed or wanted or necessary, but that I haven’t found the magic combination of time and management and energy that will allow me to find the state of equilibrium that will also allow me to spend a few minutes (or more) updating the blog and making sure I expand my readership rather than have people who get here from Erin’s website or by spending some time searching for something like Assateague Island or Roommate Etiquette or the White Screen of Death on my Macbook.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

Category: Erin, History of the World According to Marco, On Writing, Personal Entries, codename: CAMPER, experience, family, school, work | No Comments »
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Posted By smokingpen on June 22, 2009

Yesterday, as many will recognize was Fathers Day. One of those points on a calendar where, as a dutiful son, I pick up the phone and make a phone call and feel better for having done due diligence. On better years I send cards or attempt to have cacti shipped to Southwestern Colorado; but more often than not, I place a phone call.

Yesterday was also the first time this particular point on the calendar meant something to me. However, on Saturday, I was pretty no into the idea of a holiday, a point, an expense that essentially consists of helpj g Hallmark make their yearly profit goals (sorry Lisa, I know you digthe cards and the place and work in one). The idea of suffering throgh a group of small children yelling father oriented songs at the tops of the lungs and to have doting parents turn and tell me it is singing leads to . . . let’s not go there.

Anyway, a series of events including going back to BYU, meeting Erin in a philosophy class, askin her out as awkwardly as possible, and eventually asking her to marry me followed by her backing out and then asking me to marry her – sans a ring, thank you very much – led up to our having CAMPER a little under a year ago that, in turn, led to me being a father on Fathers Day and I realized something in the mere being yesterday:

It doesn’t matter what you think or feel or believe one second before you become, in the smallest way possible, the object of something like Father’s Day, once the affectation of dad or padre or father or papa is applied and you become responsible for a life that cannot protect itself, feed itself, or subsist without you in some way, you’ve earned the day and as a result it takes on a meaning that is wholy its own.

Yesterday I got to celebrate Father’s Day with my kittle family and the outcome is a deep appreciation for my son, my wife, my parents, and my parents-in-law, all of whom were necessary to make yesterday a reality and a truly special day.

Thank you.

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Posted By smokingpen on June 10, 2009

As you will have noted, I don’t do a lot of updating of late. Part of the reason has been work. Another part of the reason is personal. Without details, because, honestly, they don’t matter, as things change in my life I seem to neglect the blog and a few other areas that, at times, are important to me. Fortunately, the blog will keep and will remind me (on occasion) that I am neglecting it. The other things are just that, things. As a result, I look for some measure of equilibrium in my life, attempt to move forward, and hope (and pray) that things will work out in the end.

I am excited, and enjoying, the new job. I do have a commute and that gives me a lot of time to mentally work through things. I am starting the MFA program on July 19 and already have the time off. Erin and I are considering going to the Palmyra Pageant, she was in it for a couple of years, and if we do I hope it is better than the last pageant we went to. With all of that out of the way, I am happy, healthy, and excited to see CAMPER continue to grow, develop, and learn to communicate. He can, and will, sit and make noises as though he is talking for long periods of time. On top of which he is legitimately excited to see me and Erin and that makes all of the nights of little or no sleep and the other headaches that are related to having a child totally worth it.

To wit, I am happy with my life and excited for when Erin and I get to move forward with our plans, education, and the future.

The outcome, though, is that the blog may continue to suffer as I adapt and change and as work, life, and school take precedence.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on June 8, 2009

In the movie Across the Universe there is a discussion between a college student and his uncle where the uncle says, “What you do determines who you are,” and the college student states, “No. It is who you are that determines what you do.” There is no clear resolution to this question in the movie and yet, one gets the impression that the writer and director intended for the audience to side with the college student.

I am currently working in a call center. With that said, I am about to give some hints as to what I do, or more accurately, what I will be doing. Just sharing some of this makes me wonder if what I do defines me or if what I am is defined through the kinds of work I find myself doing?

There are two kinds of people when it comes to children in a divorce. There is the custodial parent and the non-custodial parent. The reason this is important is that the courts often lean toward the custodial parent when it comes to awarding money and slapping, on the wrist, the other party when a divorce or separation takes place and child support becomes necessary. Heck, if a single mother were to file for state assisted support (e.g. welfare) the state opens a child support case for the mother and then attempts to find the father and collect money. The same is true if the custodial parent is the father, they attempt to find the mother and collect money from her.

When you begin to work within a bureaucracy the outcome is, quite frequently, the internal desire to side with one party or another. The outcome is a bias toward either the custodial or non-custodial side. For example, when people talk about custodial parents they are really saying, “the mother,” and ignoring the fact that a father can be a custodial parent as well. In the news, when child support is talked about this becomes almost synonymous with, “deadbeat dad,” and as a result, we, as a people, have a tendency to forget that you can also have, “deadbeat moms.” Yet, the political and social ramifications of applying deadbeat to the female half of a relationship negates the tendency toward using it.

What is mistaken, most of the time, is who the state represents: the children. Part of what makes child custody and child support cases all about the custodial and non-custodial parent is that the children are often encouraged to not attend. The cases, the court, becomes a matter between husband and wife, ex-husband and ex-wife, or partners that have separated. As a result, the tendency, between these two parties, is to fight over who is going to cause the other person the most pain. The outcome is a series of court filings and appearances where the objective is to hurt the other person.

In reality, it is only the children being hurt.

The idea behind child support is to make the father (not necessarily biological) responsible for his children, or in the case of a mother who has taken off, make the mother responsible for her children. Instead, the two parties just want to hurt each other. The outcome is that the non-custodial will do whatever he or she can to avoid paying support with the mistaken belief that it helps the custodial out. There are reasons why the couple broke up and yet, when it comes to the real reason for the payments and subsequent responsibility, people have a tendency to not care and fight each other in court entirely forgetting this isn’t about them, it’s about their kids.

I am not sure what to take from this job.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on June 6, 2009

Which, interestingly, might be the title of a book I write at some point. However, not really the point in all of this.

Some years ago I discovered an author (I will not be sharing any names) and the author’s work. I became quickly enamored of the writing and found myself following the individual both online and reading whatever was published. Heck, even before I discovered the author I’d been to a book signing for one of my (many) brothers because he didn’t want to go and stand in line for hours. I think for the four or five hours I was there I made about $20.00 got a couple of books signed, dropped them off in the opposite direction of where I lived, and found myself less than pleased with the quality of person that is this authors primary fan base

It took me a couple of years to start reading any of the books. In fact, I was living in New Hampshire and had developed a new group of acquaintances (eventually this group would fall apart and I would move, meet this hot chick, and get married to her) and as a result of the group started reading this author. One of the things that appealed to me, early one, was the amount of time that was spent on talking about his children. I was impressed and continued to follow. Admittedly, I do like the written works of this author but as I’ve followed the blog and personal life I’ve discovered I don’t want to be that involved or that interested in another person’s personal life.

What was impressive to me was the silence about the spouse. The spouse had asked to remain out of the internet life and (most likely) the public appearances life and as a result the author agreed. Until not too long ago when it was announced, by the author, that they were separated, had been for about five years, and that a divorce was imminent or filed for or recently completed. At that point I realized I’d gotten too familiar with someone and I’ve only briefly, and once I might add (against my better judgement), met the individual. For me, this was too much. Website, books, media appearances, Web2.0 applications and all of that have made it difficult for me to no longer enjoy the simplicity and wit and sarcasm that comes from somene who has been where I want to be, done what I want to do, been successful at it, and, for all intents and purposes, still was able to maintain a family.

The piece of straw that finally broke me? The author announced that a new love interest had entered the picture and as a result of that and a broken home and feeling like I’d breached some imaginary wall of confidentiality (something I wouldn’t want anyone to breach), I am no longer interested in the webspace or news and have found that I am less interested in the books.

With all of that out of the way, familiarity does bread contempt and at the moment I feel contempt. I feel it toward a large group of authors who all seem to rotate in the same circles and reinforce each other as “exceptional” authors when, as I work my way through individual works or even examples of individual work, I find that many lack in ways that make the group as a whole less in my eyes.

I think that the closer I get to achieving what I want, the harder it is to look at people who have been there and done that and not see the flaws. And that means the flaw is probably as much in me as them. I don’t know the entire story. I don’t know these people personally. I just know that I am reticent to want to be successful if success then leads to failures in other places.

Now that that is off my chest, it is time to move forward. 43 days to MFA residency. YAY!!!

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

Category: On Writing, Personal Entries, philosophy | Comments Off
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